Disagreements over money are commonly cited as the number one reason couples divorce, and financial advisors often find themselves in the middle (or as the target!) of client fights. Yet while fighting and conflict are often thought of as negative activities that should be avoided (or simply ignored) as much as possible, the reality is that client conflicts are difficult to avoid and not easy to resolve, especially when they involve money, and in practice, not all client conflicts are negative. In fact, they can actually provide advisors with opportunities to better understand their clients and strengthen relationships – not only between the feuding clients but between the advisor and client as well!
Accordingly, advisors can leverage conflicts amongst clients with basic communication skills and mediation strategies to strengthen the relationship and, in some instances, even their bottom line. In one study that surveyed roughly 1,300 financial planners, researchers found that most (74%) of the respondents had very often worked with emotionally distraught clients, and that nearly half had mediated arguments between married couples. Furthermore, a majority of advisors in the same study indicated that by discussing sensitive, personal, non-financial issues with clients, they improved communication between family members, and seemed to promote better alignment of clients with their core values. And for 39% of the advisors, these discussions even helped to increase their business!
When helping clients through conflict, financial advisors may recognize the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” that include the types of unproductive fighting styles that can damage a relationship, such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Of these ‘four horsemen’, stonewalling is the most dangerous as it can be an indicator that the fighting individuals have essentially given up on the relationship, accepting that there is no resolution to be found. By avoiding or reframing these communication styles, though, fighting can be a productive exercise in helping individuals better understand each other and brainstorm new ideas for collaboration, compromise, and agreement.
Important strategies for financial advisors who are interested in deepening their skills to help clients experiencing conflict include simple de-escalation techniques (e.g., using calm behavior, politely paraphrasing what the client says, and taking a short break from the situation). The goal of these techniques is to offer the agitated client a chance to cool off, to allow the advisor to empathetically connect with the client, and for everyone involved to catch their breath and remain objective.
And when client fights involve the advisor as the target of anger or hostility, it is important for advisors to remain calm and impartial for the relationship with the client to continue developing over time. Some steps the advisor can use to maintain a healthy dialogue with their client include 1) using a ‘soft’ start-up approach by taking responsibility and slowing the conversation down, 2) sending and receiving verbal attempts to soothe and repair the dialogue and diffuse negativity, 3) being willing to compromise, 4) moving the conversation to a place of mutual understanding and respect, and 5) addressing emotional injuries as appropriate, allowing time for both parties to heal from the argument.
The key point is that advisors can ultimately benefit when helping their clients through difficult conflicts, even when they themselves are participants in these conflicts. And by learning when to use certain communication skills and mediation techniques to deal with client fights, advisors can better understand their clients, help them communicate more effectively with other family members, and develop deeper trust and long-lasting relationships with them.